Thoughts such as "I wonder if anyone would miss if I were gone" or "Maybe the world would be a better place if I weren't here" is actually very normal. Everyone has or will feel that way several times before their time is up. Loss, heartbreak, loneliness and so many other feelings causes these thoughts. I can't speak for everyone else but whenever I get those thoughts, I always try to give myself a little hope after and think differently. I'll think that maybe it is suppose to get better for me, I just need to give it time.
I don't talk about it a lot but when I was only 14 years old, year 2009, eighth grade, I wasn't the happiest kid. It was that age when we all tried being so cool but it all just went so wrong and I have permanent scars from that year. I can actually remember one specific day where I just felt like enough was enough. It was early spring, but the wind outside was still cool on my skin. I'd woken up, broken, just like I felt like I had every morning for the past months, and I went to school broken. A school filled with rumours and blame, pointed fingers and backstabbers. The whole day was filled with teachers who just yelled, students being mean, and me on the verge of snapping so when I got home I put on some work out clothes and I started running. I ran until I came to this soccer field that wasn't too far away from home and I just threw myself on the ground with tears in my eyes. That very moment I remember thinking that it was too much. But I let it all out there, and the next day I went back to school and showed no fear. It took time for it to get better, the year after that I moved and spent the whole year living in the past and feeling crap about myself. A hormonal teenager on crutches isn't exactly the best kind of person, I tell you! I moved once again and then again and eventually it all got better as I grew up.
First time I share this little secret on my blog, but a challenge is a challenge ;)
14 year old me!
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